Any more, it’s almost a chore to go see movies. I’m done with it. Aside from Drag Me To Hell, which opened tonight, I’m unlikely to see a movie in a theater in a good while. That is, so long as abortions like the Wolverine flick continue to be cranked out.

This may require a bit of explanation, actually. I haven’t seen Wolverine, and I don’t ever plan to see it. I love horrible movies. Every Police Academy flick ever made is on my list of favorite movies, I tell ya … even Miami Beach. I’ll bathe in the glorious rays of suck that is Blues Brothers 2000, but I absolutely refuse to watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It’s just that bad.

That being the case, I’ve started writing a review of the film. It seems to me that if the film makers can make movies without an ounce of integrity towards their wares, then I can write reviews with that very same lack of depth.

Be on the look out for entries tagged “the best movies i never saw” in the near future.

Now, granted, I prefer dynamic environments like those provided by Perl, Ruby, Python, and just about every other scripting language known to man, but I really am interested to know exactly what’s wrong with C.

A while back, I wrote about my search for distributed/parallel databases and the problems that I see with the current offerings. The status hasn’t changed much since that point, but tonight, realizing that I hadn’t worked on my own attempt at such in a while, I took another look and found gridsql. It’s basically a front-end to PostgreSQL that distributes the data that it receives to any number of pgsql nodes, then intelligently parallelizes the queries over the back-end mesh. Super. That’s exactly the sort of thing that I’m looking for.

The problem that I have with it is that it’s written in Java.

JAVA.

Don’t get me wrong in this. I do like the Java language. When I’m prototyping something and desire strong typing and so on, I usually look to Java … for prototyping, not for production code. In the end, I’m always going to use anything but Java, most typically C++, as it’s a fairly straight-forward porting process, but sometimes C, Perl, Ruby, Python … anything that doesn’t start with ‘J’ and end with “ava.”

I don’t know if I’m going to work on my makeshift distributed database anymore. I was writing it in Perl (which, to me, is so much like C that I don’t feel too bad about writing a daemon in Perl), and I what I consider to be a few novel ways of doing things. A good portion of the front-end is finished. It parses out queries, and is pretty much just waiting for a storage engine (which was going to be multiple BerkeleyDB databases per table). I might jump back into the project at some point, but right now, I’m all but fed up with the entire idea, especially after seeing the stuff that’s already out there. Typically, that would drive me further in the desire to work on it, but right now, that’s not the case.

Instead, I think I’m going to brush up on my C chops a bit. It’s been a good long while, and I’m plenty rusty (particularly in terms of the idiosyncracies of the language), what with the weakly-typed dynamic languages that I’ve been predominantly using for the last several years.

It’s had it coming for a long time now. Either it’s constantly going off its meds or the meds are entirely ineffective, and you shouldn’t have to put up with its complete instability. You’re a mature, caring, independent user, and you can no longer allow yourself to be stifled.

Every now and again, a poor soul in your position will have the misfortune of lapsing so terribly as to ask my advice for getting started with Linux (and GNU, to please Stallman). Here’s my typical answer:

Avoid Ubuntu and Debian. Avoid Fedora, Centos, and Redhat. Give Slackware a wide berth. Run the hell away from SUSE. Flirt with Gentoo, Sorcerer, Arch, and ROCK, but don’t go any further than first base. You’re not a slut, after all.

The aforementioned proper nouns are the names of various Linux distributions. These things are the easy way out of your relationship with Windows, and the last thing that you want is a rebound OS. You’re trying to get your life together. You’re trying to rediscover who you are and what it is that you already know, though you’ve been told for the longest time that you don’t actually know what is best for you. That manipulative prick.

No, my friend … do not take the easy way out. At least, not if you’re serious. If you just want to make Windows jealous for a bit so that it might start to treat you right, save your time, and be sure to start having dinner ready when it gets home from work. You know how … angry … it gets when it has to wait on such a sorry excuse for a user.

Simply stated, this is going to take work … hard work. You’re going to have to put in at least as much as you expect to get out of this whole thing.

What you need to do, really, is to look into some books on building healthy relationships. A very good example of this can be found at Linux From Scratch.

This book will teach you the following, provided that you apply yourself and study the knowledge contained therein:

• You will learn how to build the foundation of a lasting relationship with GNU/Linux from the very deepest level. That is, you’ll learn exactly what it takes to bootstrap a basic GNU/Linux environment.

• You will learn about all of the bits and pieces that you’ve provided to help foster this relationship. You’re going to compile and install all of the software that you plan to use, and you’re going to do so by hand at that.

• You will learn how to properly explore the physical aspects of your relationship to a far more profound degree than you were allowed with your former OS. In order to produce a functional LFS install, that is, you are going to have to get to know the hardware in your computer rather intimately.

When you’ve done all of this and have met a GNU/Linux install that is right for you, please do come back and see me if you need any further advice. I’ll post relationship tips every now and again in the event that I’m able to foresee some of the speedbumps that you and your new OS interest may hit.

As always, please feel free to submit questions to deargargy@smurfeater.com, but do remember that I’ll need to have your questions by 10:00PM EDT/EST Thursday in order for them to be considered for the next entry.

Your pal, Gargy

In an effort to put some of the blame of my increasingly sporadic posts on you, the reader, I’m introducing a new hairbrained scheme to the site: Dear Gargy.

Here’s the deal:

1. You send technology-related questions to deargargy@smurfeater.com. The questions must be phrased in terms of a relationship problem, and it’s probably best if you give yourself a “Sleepless in Seattle” style nickname for the purposes of the question (otherwise, I’ll make one up, and it’s unlikely to be flattering). Submissions not in relationship advice request form will be ignored and/or sent back full of red marks.
2. I may write back directly for clarification. After it’s evident that we’re all on the same page, I will post the full text of your question, as you’ve phrased it, to an entry containing the appropriate advice for the situation described. I will set a deadline of each Thursday, 10:00PM EDT/EST, for submissions. The Dear Gargy entries will show up in the wee hours of each Sunday morning (providing that there have been questions asked).

The first entry will go live momentarily.

I have only seen a few movies that have included Taye Diggs in the cast, but I’m seeing a pattern emerge:

• The first Diggs trip that I took was Equilibrium, in which he portrays a Grammaton Cleric that serves double duty, both in viciously upholding the laws against evocation of human emotion that have been set forth by The Man as well as attempting to out his partner as a “sense offender.”

• I’m sitting here watching movies from the Cat Lady’s collection today while waiting for her to return from her trip. I’ve just finished up Rent, in which Mr. Diggs plays the role of the musical’s villain, as it were, Benny the landlord, who is contantly screwing over his tenants, who are also his former flatmates.

• I’ve seen Malibu’s Most Wanted, and while I don’t remember much of it, I do recall that Taye plays an actor in the film, and he has been hired by the leading role’s father to play the part of a TRU THUG in order to show his son the error of his ways.

So, I ask you … is Taye Diggs always typecast as the show’s leading asshole?

Catsitter’s Journal – Day 6

The kittehs are beginning to exhibit signs of adaptation and learning. Today, the youngest of the lot figured out how to open the double-doors that she’s been climbing in an attempt to get to the other kittehs.

This does not bode well. If this is my last entry, please check the litter boxes.

Gargamel, Catsitter

I make it a point to at least try to call my old man on a weekly basis. I get a couple of days off a week, and I don’t really have anybody with which to spend them anymore, so I have plenty of opportunity.

Inevitably, he’s been spending some time with Gentleman Jack by the time I call. He brought up this gem last night (he mentions this one on occasion, but this is the first time that I’ve felt that he might be spot on):

“I did my absolute best to raise you to be a nasty fucking piece of work, and I’m most proud of my resounding success.”

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about distributed systems lately, what with the job and all. The problem seems to come in when I start looking for distributed database engines.

I spent a good deal of time today playing with CouchDB, and it seems relevant to my interests and all, but I’ve thus far only managed to add data to it. Tomorrow (or tonight, since I’m still waiting on the digital deliery of tonight’s episode of Lost) will be devoted to figuring out “views,” but the simple fact that it’s not readily intuitive bugs me.

Why is it that SQL (Simple Query Language, not the RDBMSes that grok it) is not considered suitable for the task of querying a distributed database? I wouldn’t generalize like this, but most of the options that I looked at today that were not cheap hacks of a given RDBMS used a query paradigm that was completely foreign to me. The only one that I feel I could really go with in a hit-the-ground-running manner is Hypertable and its “HQL” queries, but it’s not currently an option.

In the case of CouchDB, I can see where it might be a bit difficult to map SQL to its paradigm, but that’s mostly because of the open-ended nature of its data. The examples basically suggest that you throw all of the data for a given application into a single database, which really isn’t all that strange until you consider that there’s not really a “table” concept. Each entry in the database is a JSON document made up of any fields that you wish to define. I suppose that views might be a method by which one could emulate tables, but I’m not terribly sure just yet.

Either way, I believe that it would be exceptionally cool to actually try to do the aforementioned mapping, though not necessarily with CouchDB. I’ve been thinking of ways to accomplish this particular task a bit lately, as one of the internal systems at work is now, effectively, a big MapReduce problem (that’s the way that I’ve been working on it, anyways). Basically, I run a traditional SQL query on each of the nodes in the system, aggregating the data on the master node. That requires a bit more pure perl hackery than I’d really like … I’m thinking about doing some SQL::Statement hacking to see if I can map it to basically do the aggregation and everything in a transparent manner so that I’m just handing queries to an object and telling it to go.

Barring that, I’m thinking about hacking some network capability into SQLite (thus breaking at least one of SQLite’s design goals).

Now, granted, it may seem like I’m missing the entire point of non-relational database systems. I really do get it. I’m just talking about providing a familiar interface, and that really shouldn’t be all that difficult to accomplish, in the long run.

So, I’ve lived in this apartment for a year and a half now, just about, and I still don’t have any furniture, really.

My landlord runs an antique shop on the ground floor, and I’ll occasionally borrow an item or two (like the little seat-and-a-half chair thing that is just inside my door, formerly blocking the door due to some renovation that was going on), but I’ve done fairly well to avoid adding anything that could even remotely be considered permanent, comfortable, or usable.

The reason? I don’t really like people all that much, to be honest. If I have a dwelling full of seating, that seems to imply to people that they should come over. Also, the floor’s good enough for me, so it really should be good enough for them, too, in my mind. The fact remains, though, that having some back support would be nice, so I’m on the lookout for furniture. More than anything, I’d really like to put a padded porch swing in the apartment in lieu of a couch.

To that end, I’m even working on a design for such a beast. The big problem at the moment is that the only material with which I can feasibly work is PVC piping (I have a fun little coffee table … PVC frame and ABS top), and it’s a bitch to get anything outside of a “standard” angle connector for such, particularly when we’re talking about the 3” diameter range, which would be required, in my mind, to compensate for my weight, let alone the weight of additional people on the swing.

I’d really like to have a traditional, two strands of chain porch swing for this thing, but considering the materials that I’m looking at, a glider would be a lot more feasible.

One of my buddies at work is a functional design specialist from another life, so I’m hoping that he’ll have some ideas. If you have any (outside of “buy a fucking porch swing”), feel free to drop a comment.

( tech1) did somebody call SSLPROVIDER? I have a rep from SSLPROVIDER on the line who says we called and never made a connection

( tech2) tech1: did he try “missed connections” on craigslist?

- tech3 shudders

( tech3) THat part of Craigslist is scary

( tech1) “I saw you carrying a 1028-bit encrypted key.”